My Students - My Strengths.

Memories….. those little mirror-windows through which you look at the past and be grateful for all that went by, however acerbic the taste of those moments were when they were unraveling… sweet memories only become sweeter… mistakes become invaluable lessons… There’s no stopping the floodgates of nostalgia when something triggers it off… When the first batch of engineering students whom I had taught were re-living all their adventurous college-life memories through yahoo-group mail exchanges, I couldn’t resist inputting my perspectives as well…. Here goes the transcript:

Guess it’s my time now to speak out. First things first… I am about to complete my M.Tech in IIT Bombay in another one month. I have applied for Ph.D admission in Reliability Engineering in IITB, hoping to build upon my open-ended M.Tech project that deals with advanced issues in Power System Reliability. I am hours away from finding out if the dreams which got sowed in me, thanks to my error-filled experimentation with you guys for nearly two years, are on their course to fruition.

Teaching happened to me by accident. Serendipitous it was! ‘Brathakaleka badipanthulu’ ani peddalu oorike ana ledu! All of some twenty one years and there I was, standing amidst you all in the class room to test the waters. And touchwood, I couldn’t have asked for a better platform. Before you brush aside these confessions of mine as some product of mere nostalgic temperament, let me assure you that every line penned down has the strongest iota of truth with introspective advantage, in retrospect.

Would you all agree with me when I state that for some incident to have happened the way it happened, there are always mysterious forces at work? That in the grand scheme of things, for every thing to fall in place, even the slightest of happenings would play a pivotal role in cementing the final consequence??

What I intend to highlight is that but for your batch, I wouldn’t have dared to tread on this path strewn with mind numbing obstacles. You see, my aim for academic excellence to strengthen my arsenal for the battle royale with professional challenges in teaching, far too exceeds certain inherent intellectual capabilities I possess, and hence the obstacles. Added to that there is always this temptation of upward comparisons with my peers who earn exponentially more than what I can possibly earn down the line. The aim is nobler, but the necessities, not even luxuries, dictate otherwise.

Call my adamant stance to embrace this profession a pursuit of a nobler aim, a quest for priding in being a role model, or even laziness to dodge my way out of the cut-throat competition in other arenas. I, however, feel it as a long nursed longing to enjoy the addictive compulsion to overcome the effects of deprivation in my life story. Being there for someone to look up to me, being there to offer a comforting shoulder to someone daring to travel on a road less traveled, being there to provide that inspiration required for a fledgling to diversify into life’s innumerable avenues……

It is to you all that I bow down in reverence for all your patience, affection and, hold your breath, inspiration! Agreed, that in retrospect, I was an awful teacher in terms of my proclivity to show my bias unashamedly; that I was half baked in my attempts to impart absolute knowledge to you; that I was not impervious to judgmental errors (some of them fatal as some of you would have personally felt) in matters of moral and ethics. But remember, like all those typically idealistic young aspirants persuaded by the hot bloodedness of youth, who envision themselves on the cusp of breakthroughs, I too was punch drunk with the intoxication of the “I-can-be-whatever-I-want-to-be” excitement. Ultimately, time firmly shows you your place, and you start picking up the pieces. As you age, wisdom catches upon you and with a heart warming jest, mocks at your past fallacy-based actions.

There are a few of you whom I call my protégés in my own idiosyncratic contented ways, with whom I have had a symbiotic relationship. Most of my monologue might make sense only to them. But still, I would be glad if I could convey the explicit intent – Thank You one and all. The lessons learned in course of my numerous trysts with destiny shall forever be cherished and acted upon… Hopefully one day, I would be a better teacher and a better human being…

And all of a sudden I feel a surge of pride and pain for all obvious reasons.... It only goes to show that life goes on..... no matter what.....

The Climax Even Before a Beginning!!

"It is, I think, that we are all so alone in what lies deepest in our souls, so unable to find the words, and perhaps the courage to speak with unlocked hearts, that we don't know at all that it is the same with others." - Sheldon VanAuken's (A Severe Mercy)

And then you happen my Dear friend, but then... Alas!!... With a heavy heart and a cowardly tenor, I proclaim that letting go of you for better (for you!)would be the one and the only regret I shall nurse with me throughout…. You have given me a glimpse of the unmatched brilliance of possible conversations between two human beings, who at the core are in search of discovery of joy in existence as it is…. There is much more to say… so little to transcribe as of now… huh… In all honesty, believe me, you are the best to have happened in this phase in this lonesome soul’s tiresome journey towards the unknown stupor … May God Bless You… What else could I say?? That it's the climaxing even when the beginning was yet to take shape???Forgive me...

The Dance Floor Dares....

And I thought only a miracle-drug induced hallucination could possibly take one into a never-before-experienced zone of calming clarity!!! Apart from the pleasure I had derived in the past from taking in the insights provided by some of the greatest writers in their works – a clear case of emotional highs, only two other incidents, as far as I can vividly remember, stand out for their uniqueness in relation to the perfect combination of physical and emotional thrills provided. A rarity among rarities, I should say.

The special firsts in life always leave prominent imprints in the memory. Eventually, those incidents might get buried deep under the quick sand of every-day common place feelings we are inundated with. Nevertheless, their retrieval, triggered by nostalgic effects from unexpected quarters, makes you replicate the gratitude and gladness to have had those trysts.

That first love for the beloved (or is it the first beloved??), that first acknowledgement of a sense of the first triumph, that first compliment from someone on your actual potential (which truth tends to get reinforced only later by repeated compliments from others in various forms), that first pride on discovering an identity……….. not to leave out the feel of the effects of those first showers of rain drops on the sun scorched earth……… All these firsts stand unparalleled in terms of the serenity associated with their unfolding. Then again, these are to be expected. These are bound to happen at one point of time or the other in every one’s life. But what about The unexpected??? I can’t but yell a deafening Hurrah when I realize I am amassing them as well……

I hadn’t known that flying in a plane for the first time would do so much as to alter my vision towards life. Those moments just near the take-off from the runway into the air and the momentum that builds up to it few seconds before that are unforgettable. It’s a physical thrill and an emotional pleasure bundled into one. I have envisioned the power of power! And I had been thinking of that as the only possible serendipitous instance of The unexpected pleasure of my life, till yesterday!!

How do I even begin to describe those two hours of sudden awakenings?? Dancing on the Dance-floor, unmindful of the imposing crowd around, dancing my way into the glory of oneness, embracing my harmonious self, now palpitating and now rejuvenated, shedding all my inhibitions much to my very own shocking surprise, accepting myself for whatever I was in totality including the orientation (thoughts and acts!)… That was The FIRST! And the gut feeling echoing a resounding assurance of a thumping conviction that my life would never be the same again for better…… This is Ecstasy (without consuming the pill Ecstasy!! :-))