Breaking the Mold??

With the flooding of information bytes that this Internet Age has to offer, I have noticed in me a considerable dwindling of my keenness to devour any thought provoking article with the attention it deserves. It sometimes scares me to no end on acknowledging the inertia that has seeped into the processing of my observations. An apathetic passive observer is what I find myself as turning into. It’s painful, especially so when someone comes along to remind me of all the beauty that is out there in the world to absorb, be it in the daily encounters in relationships or in the poetic assimilation of Nature’s beauty or for that matter in the dynamics of our experiences with fellow human beings. I am quoting below an article from some blog that was forwarded to me by an interesting person, titled ‘Breaking the Mold’…. I am bowled at the articulate way in which the writer has poured out her anguish at having to conform to societal standards…
It's a deeply moving account of one's struggle against the default standards to try and create a sense of self-belonging. I totally empathize with the author, albeit in relation to my own turbulences.......

Last month, I went to a good friend's apartment to hang out. We had just gotten done eating a vegetable stir fry he had prepared and were sipping glasses of merlot when he suddenly brought up the topic of marriage and children.

"Oh," I said. "I don't plan on getting married. Cohabitation is cool, but I don't really see the need to get married. I don't want kids either. I might like to adopt, later, in my forties, but I don't want to actually give birth to anything."

He snorted. "You might change your mind." And with that simple phrase, he threw down a gauntlet. For the next thirty minutes we proceeded to argue about motherhood and marriage.

I tried to explain that I had given both issues a great deal of thought, and that my stances weren't just the product of youthful obstinacy. But, for every argument that I offered he eventually countered with the phrase, "You might change your mind."

I was infuriated. I conceded that, yes, I might change my mind, but that possibility didn't lessen the significance of my current life choices. He didn't even seem slightly interested in my reasons or rationale; he just kept repeating that phrase: You might change your mind. You might change your mind.

It felt like a threat and a challenge.

I left his apartment angry, but I wasn't quite sure about why I was so upset. He was right, there was a possibility that one day, I would change my mind; however, I realized if I had told him, "When I'm 35 I want to be married and have two kids," he would have never felt the need to point out that I might change my mind one day. He would have simply accepted that statement and moved on, but because my life goals didn't fit into the traditional pattern, he felt the need to check me by hinting that my current stance was just some youthful little whim, implying that when I matured I would decide to settle down, get married, and birth some babies.

One morning as I was opening the bookstore with the owner, Kate, she was talking to me about her one year old daughter and prefaced a statement with the phrase, "If you ever decide to have kids . . ." I was so thankful that she spoke about motherhood as a choice, not as an obligation or a destined path. Usually, when people talk about marriage or children with me, they always say, "When you get married," or "When you have children," as if my life path has already been decided, as if there is no question about how I will choose to live my life. In language, leaving open that possibility of choice is powerful, it is a conscious acknowledgement that I have control over major decisions in my life and shows respect for my life choices. I know I'm not going to be so lucky this coming fall at my younger brother's wedding. Already, I'm fielding knowing looks and sly nudges accompanied by well-meaning relatives saying, "You're next!"

In my mid-twenties I've begun to contemplate the dynamics of how a committed relationship would function in my life, and my vision doesn't reconcile with the traditional model. Thankfully, I just stumbled across a copy of the book "Quirkyalone" by Sasha Cagen. I was so relieved to finally see in print many of my thoughts and concerns about partnerships.

Cagen defines a Quirkyalone as:

"A person who enjoys being single (but is not opposed to being in a relationship) and generally prefers to be alone rather than dating for the sake of being in a couple. With unique traits and an optimistic spirit; a sensibility that transcends relationship status."

Basically, a Quirkyalone is someone who, though she loves good company and being in relationships, she is secure enough to enjoy being alone, and is unwilling to compromise herself for a romantic relationship. When Quirkyalones do enter into relationships, they still carve out space and time to nurture themselves sans partner. Quirkyalones know that relationships won't save you, make you feel whole, or even stop you from being lonely. If you were unhappy and empty before you started a relationship you're going to feel the same way throughout it as well.

Marriage and motherhood won't complete me or help me accomplish any of my life goals. I don't have a problem with them per se, but they're not my cup of tea. I prefer to leave them for others to enjoy. I see marriage as an extension of patriarchy and being more about ownership and state control than actual romance or love. I do believe in loving and caring partnerships built on passion and mutual respect, and I don't think a ceremony with a white dress makes that partnership any more or less real.

Ultimately, being Quirkyalone is simply having a different conception about what it means to be "alone" and what it means to be "together." I enjoy my solitary time. Being alone isn't a punishment, nor does it mean that I'm a social amoeba. I have plenty of wonderful friends, but I still need time to myself to think, to write, to just enjoy my own company. Being in a relationship doesn't mean that all my I's become we's. In any relationship, whether it be a friendship or a committed partnership, I would still need time to be with myself. Being together, doesn't mean being attached at the hip, doesn't mean forgoing important friendships outside of the relationship, it doesn't even mean that you have to live together or see each other every day. For me, a partnership is about mutual respect, admiration, intense passion, communication, and simply being with someone who you connect with emotionally, mentally and physically.

So, yes, while I do acknowledge that there is a possibility that one day all of my views will change. The probability is pretty slim. In any event, between now and my possible future, my life choices still deserve to be treated with respect and not derided or downplayed as being childish just because they don't fit into a traditional model.

And Finally I Earn The Coveted Epithet...

Undergrads have always been the apple of the IIT-eye. Once an IITian, always an IITian : this seemingly augurs well only with them. They are the cynosures of the IIT-besotted, which is always almost everyone outside the IITs. By the time they leave these hallowed portals, they shall have ingrained in them the rich spirit of the IIT culture, one that is by default passed down onto them by virtue of their stay for four/five whole years, the whole being more than the sum of its parts! It’s literally a re-birth. A boy walks through the gate and leaves out a man. The transformation that sees to it is what turns out to be perhaps the first and the most significant cornerstone of every IITian’s life. It is then hardly surprising that they owe fierce allegiance to their brethren for all reasons right and wrong.

The valedictory function is a very big deal for them, which is when ‘Profiles’ are read out. A ‘Profile’ is written by the hostel wing-mates/classmates/friends of a candidate, with painstaking panache. It is a humorously colourful description of an individual’s life in IIT in its entirety. From the eyes of the perceivers themselves comes a grandiose, witty and truthful (?!) account of the subject’s escapades in course of his stay, thus making a style statement on his worthiness for induction into the IITian Clan.

Post graduates have this complaint of step motherly treatment. It’s another thing that it is their own making. In a way, they are the most studious lot. The first year goes away in accustoming themselves to the awe of having to be one notch above what they are naturally capable of. It’s time for the peeling of the rust. We don’t have the advantage of arriving with gym-toned brains!! No time for socialization or exploration out of the box. Extra curricular activities figure in the bottom of their priorities, unlike the undergrads. The spirit of brethren is hardly prevalent among us. The limited duration of two years, half of what undergrads have to put up with, is another speed breaker. If UGs learn everything outside the classroom to hone their survival-of-the-fittest skills, PGs pathetically rely on the insides.

A typical post graduate that I am, all my could-have-beens came to the fore taunting me towards the end as was inevitable. I could have been better; I could have been stylish; I could have been the star performer in dramatics; I could have been more social; I could have been the able administrator. I cannot but help feeling remorseful at the missed out chances. And then a good person steps in to fill in the void to make me feel ‘complete’ as an IITian. It was very thoughtful of him to write a profile for me, from whatever little he could make of my idiosyncrasies. Though mostly written with a lopsided view to bring out my seemingly good qualities only, it still serves the purpose. And so I am glad to have rightfully (?) earned the epithet – IITian. What follows is the profile:

Vadlamudi Vijay Venu
a.k.a VVV a.k.a Tall, Dark, Handsome and Gult!!!

Meet Mr. VVV. Tall – Really really tall, dark, and handsome ;-). But as con follows pro – Gult and with a huge bushy moustache.

This eternal smiling happy-go-lucky “HappyDent” guy is the proverbial Doston kaa dost and dushmanon ka bhi dost.

You cannot but escape his immense affable nature. And it takes you quite by a surprise that a person who appears as imposing as him, has hidden the playfulness of a child under him.

Eternally emotional – Mr. VVV can cry at the slightest provocation. Things which he is completely bonkers about include – Books, Movies (damn crazy fan) and anything and everything queer! ;-)

Let me start with his books – his impeccable room, which is adequate proof enough of his non-IIT lineage, btw; is filled with books that transport you to a thousand worlds. The amount of stuff this guys reads and yet manages to keep a 9+ CPI is something of an eternal mystery. How he manages to pack 72 hours in a 24 hour period is something that scientists are soon going to embark upon…

He loves books, adores them and loves retrospective thoughtful books… Books of the kind which always leave the audience with “Uh……….”

His love for movies just cannot be described in words – it can be more aptly described in tears or let me just say bucket-loads of tears… Immensely emotional over the talkies – he is a cinema-maker’s delight – after all they always manage to wrestle out a tear or two from his eyes.

His passion for the movies far exceeds any superficialities and he internalizes each and every movie and takes them as lessons from life. A little extreme perspective in many people’s opinion as movies are never really meant to be real but only fantasy. But with the way this guy takes a movie, you are hell sure that this guy certainly does have power to bring his dreams to fruition.

And for exactly the same reason he just certainly cannot be a critic – he will give rave reviews to almost anyone who dares to show a picture on the screen! ;-)

He is queer in the most normal sort of the way – you feel a strange sense of security around him and at the same time a fear. Very quick to articulate his thoughts, he has also been gifted with an amazing listening power and his eagerness to listen to anyone with a word is so persuasive that even a shy hamster will start speaking with adornments.

The loves of his life include – his Laptop, his crushes, books, Chocolates, Cigarettes, Reliability, “his guide, co-guide and woh…” :-)

Above everything you know he is a good guy, when he is the sole person standing when you need to have someone beside you the most.

The gentle and caring way he treats a person around him, which is quite overwhelming at times, as your eyes twitch in disbelief on seeing such a person existing in this world, is at once elegance and passion personified.

If Passions and Emotions ever take a human form, I am quite sure that it will certainly be our VVV.

To say he is a good guy, would be giving the word “GOOD” too much credit. He is one of the few persons in life who go way beyond the definition of “good” – who probably define philanthropy really as lover of mankind.

A little birdie has informed me that his guide is planning to pursue him to do PhD in IIT Bombay, which is sure to make him the grand old man of IIT Bombay when he passes out… But yet again what does age matter when the spirit is so lively, young and horny!! ;-)

My best wishes and intentions are always going to be with him..

May you forever succeed in life my dear friend…

And I still cannot stop blushing.... :-)